


Winds of Regret

by HalfSober



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Consolation, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Self-Discovery, Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan Manga Spoilers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-23
Updated: 2021-02-28
Packaged: 2021-03-13 19:26:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 13,117
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29656134
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HalfSober/pseuds/HalfSober
Summary: (manga spoilers)Mentions of: adult language, sexual mannerisms, graphic depictions of violence, self-harm...Eren was dead to her, he died ever since he called her a slave. But deep down, Mikasa knew, she knew that he was still alive. The real Eren was still alive, thriving in her head, in that endless summer afternoon....Eren's eyebrows pitched, his gaze lowered. How did he survive? All the guilt, the anger, the fear. Why did he do it? How did he do it? Carla's death, Hanne's sacrifice, Hanji's fate, so much more... all of them, they died because of him. It's because of him-but, thinking about the past will only hinder his future.Post-war: (not affiliated with canon-verse): the catalyst for this story is during chapter 112 when Eren pushes Mikasa away by hurting her feelings-however his intention was not what she had thought.
Relationships: Armin Arlert/Annie Leonhart, Mikasa Ackerman/Eren Yeager
Comments: 4
Kudos: 46





	1. Disclaimer! and Author's Note!

Disclaimer! I do not own the characters or the past events in this book! I only own the main plot, sub-plot, and some new characters.

For context, this book will take place after the rumbling ends, however, the manga (as of the moment I started the book) is only at chapter 135, which is when the flying Jaw Titan appears. So I had to assume how the story ends, and for context, you should read the manga first or at least watch YouTube video(s) that recaps the story of Attack on Titan.

Also, English is not my first language so please bare with me; and I am teenager (15 y/o) with no professional background of writing so the structure and flow of the story might be all over the place (along with grammar [the bane of my life]).

This book is also being updated and uploaded on Wattpad, which a chapter in Wattpad is equal to one part of a chapter in this book in order to cater to the demographic over there a little more ;).

Constructive criticisms are always welcome!

Take care! and please enjoy the book.

 **P.S.** I apologized for my english, as aforementioned, its pretty... shitty.

 **P.S.** no upload schedule as of the moment, so don't expect much. If I'm in the mood, another chapter might be out in days, or weeks, or if I'm in a terrible space, months.


	2. Two Roads

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part 1: Endless Summer Afternoon  
> Mikasa reminisces back to her previous encounter with Eren before the Rumbling ended.
> 
> Part 2: A Heavy Heart  
> Eren decides to seek closure with the minor aid of Ymir, and a townsfolk by the name of Diane.

**1\. ENDLESS SUMMER AFTERNOON**

Mikasa wandered along the halls of the Palace. A loud siren blared along all the districts of Paradis Island, signaling the coming of a storm. A leaf blew by Mikasa's face, narrowly missing her, as it glided with the windswept breeze of the tempest. She shivered and looked down from the stained window, the remnants of stones and debris from the walls were hardly noticeable now. Ever since Eren initiated the rumbling, the Titans broke free, crushing any in their paths but for some ludicrous reasons, the inner Titan walls did not crush the cities of Paradis Island that lay before them. The situation was so idyllic that it became absurd.

The townsfolk scattered, commotions dispersing in the marketplace, each running for their own shelter. Their faces chock-full of fright from the incoming storm. Mikasa let out a crestfallen huff. She was jealous, jealous of the people's inadequacy of the world and their Past. How much hardships her peers had to go through, to live in such luxury; a safe place without the threat of Titans. How much sacrifice she had to make, in order for the goal of safety to be accomplished. She envied them.

Thunder cackled in the distance, a flurry of white light seeped within the clouds. She stared at the horizon wistfully, the clouds blurred the sunset as Helios dimly kissed the edge. Her case of sadness was not from the obscurant of the sunset however, it was from an emotion, far more complex than the warm comfort of the Sun.

It was Eren. It was freedom. She never felt so free, caged behind her walls that guarded her heart.

Mikasa's hands balled into fists. _Oh how much she would give to forget, just like the townsfolk._ When Eren had wiped out humanity, the enemies of Paradis, the Yeagerist—Eren's devoted followers—had been placed as the democratic rulers. Unsurprisingly, it went well, she might even go as far to say the governing went better than the initial rulers of the world. The Yeagerists even elected Armin as the President, a term the outside world had used for rulers with democratic philosophies, in spite of their recent confrontations with Eren, where the two's relationship had gone sour. It was well-known that Armin was Eren's best-friend, his counselor, and he had earned a few notorieties from the public.

It was bizarre how the townsfolk remembered them. The most realistic possibility was that Eren had altered some memories while he was wiping the residents of Paradis's state of mind. Judging from the everyday talk, the townsfolk had remembered that there was a vague threat that put humanity in peril but out of the old Survey Corps, a new resistance emerged, bringing down the threat and the last step to achieve the goal of safety was done by a trio; Eren, Armin, and Mikasa.

Nevertheless, the truth was way more astringent; after ridding Paradis of Titans' harms, it was later revealed that the rest of the world viewed the people of Paradis as monsters, and they were preparing to destroy them. When Eren learned of the revelation, he escaped to Marley and initiated the war before Marley could—destroying countless innocent lives as the warmongering Attack Titan, eating the Warhammer Titan, and resolving a solution with the Founder, Ymir, who allowed him to continue his path of destruction with the Founding Titan.

Fear spread among the people and soon, the world was ready to fight back. Eren, then, inducted the Titans within the three walls of Paradis to wake, and walked the face of the Earth, bringing destruction behind their path. His goal was to save Paradis by destroying their enemies, the world; it was a reckless plan but withal, it was the one that brought them peace. Lamentably, Eren had wiped out the memories of everyone, everyone but the Ackermans, Yeagerists, and a selected few.

Information spread like wildfire, and so the tales became distorted; and Armin ended up becoming Eren's right hand man, Eren becoming the savior, and Mikasa, his lover, and a malicious force to behold.

_Lover. Yikes... Lover, yeah right._

Mikasa scoffed, her heart heated furiously, much against her will. Her mask slowly dissipated, and what lingered was a broken heart, and a need for closure. Her previous, perhaps last, confrontation with Eren stuck out like a sore thumb.

 _-_ **_start of flashback_ ** _-_

Mikasa and Armin sat at the round table of a restaurant, accompanied by a stunned Gabi. The trio sat in silent, dead air; unsure of what actions to be made. _Someone please come in and save us,_ Mikasa sighed, _where is Eren?_

Soon after, a man walked in and their eyes widened; _speak of the Devil._ Mikasa narrowed her eyes, her heart-beat in a rapid pattern.

A loud shuffling was heard from the other side of the door as Eren closed it and pulled out a chair to join the trio. He placed his hands onto the table, alike to them.

"Was that Floch's voice? You came here with Floch?" Sweat dripped from Armin's face as he asked, the presence of his best-friend had made him uneasy.

Eren seemed to notice, "yes."

A small pool of blood amalgamated beneath his right palm, and Gabi's eyes widened at the sudden sight of damage. _Won't he turn into a Titan?_

"I wanted to speak with you. Just a quiet chat... conflict is not necessary to solve Eldia's problems."

Mikasa was taken-aback by Eren's explanation. What was once a hot-headed, temper-driven boy laid a calm, collective man and she does not like the implications at all. Eren's mannerism seemed to radiate a tone of malicious and calculative intent.

"Hanji and others will be fine."

Eren's eyes seemed to beckoned to the door as more loud shuffling emanated, followed by vague cries of defiance.

"We're the one that wanted to talk to you," Armin explained, his eyes bore curiosity and fright, "we just wanted to know what you were thinking, Eren... why did you decide to attack Marley on your own?"

There was a long silence. Gabi's eyes glazed over to the window. She saw Yelena and Jean being escorted into a cart with Floch's gun pointed at them; her eyes widened and her breathing hitched. Eren cocked his eyebrow and Gabi quickly turned to face him.

Armin heaved out a sigh, "have... Zeke and Yelena really won you over to their side...?"

Eren leaned back in his chair, standing it on two legs. A nervous habit that went unnoticed by everyone but Mikasa.

"I am free."

Mikasa opened her mouth to decry but she was at a loss of words.

"Huh?" Armin managed to stutter out.

"Whatever I do, whatever I choose, I do it out of my own free will."

“You met with Yelena in secret the night railway opened, right? Even after that, this has all been what you wanted?"

"That's right—"

"No," Mikasa interrupted sternly, "you are being controlled."

Eren's eyes coiled over, bored. Mikasa continued;

"The real Eren would never involve civilians and children, even if they lived in an enemy state. You've always cared and thought about us more than anyone..."

Eren's eyes sparked a little, his emerald pupils jading.

"...aren't I right? You saved me from those kidnappers and wrapped this scarf around me because you're a kind person right?" Mikasa tugged her scarf to emphasize her point.

Tears pooled, threatening to spill.

"I said keep your hands on the table," Eren scowled.

Mikasa let out an inaudible gasp, the harsh realization struck her. Eren never changed, his goal changed—there was not stopping Eren once his mindset was set on something. But Mikasa believes she can even if she lives in the suspension of disbelief. Her face darkened and her palms landed on the table with a quiet _thump!_

"I hid myself in Liberio and spoke with Zeke. Brother to brother..."

Gabi's face scrunched, _Brother?_

"I learned a lot then. Zeke knows more than Marley does."

Eren turned to face Armin.

"Armin, you're still going to see Annie, aren't you?" Eren claimed boldly, his eyes vigorously locked onto Armin's face, "do you choose that? Or is that Bertolt?" 

"Wh-what do you..."

"If memories play a major role in forming who a person is, that means part of you has become Bertolt. A part of an enemy soldier that feels love for another enemy soldier is influencing your judgement."

Armin's chin hung down, he was shocked, while Eren's face remained expressionless. His once shining eyes were now cold, emerald pupils.

"You, an advisor to Eldia, holder of one of the nine Titans," Eren plainly stated, "you weren't soft like this before. You never backed the enemy. Your judgement always led us to an answer... but now, all you can say is _let's talk_... you're absolutely useless."

Eren's eyebrows furrowed, “Armin... Bertolt's gotten into your brain. You're the one being controlled by the enemy."

"Eren!" Mikasa interrupted, _what the fuck is Eren saying?_ , "what are you trying to do?"

"I'm saying there's nothing further removed from freedom than ignorance."

Armin could not build-up the courage to form words, he just sat there, flabbergasted, overwhelmed, and distressed.

"I learned about the Ackermans there, too. The reason... you're so strong, Mikasa..."

"... For all their efforts, Marley's scholars barely know a thing about the Titans... but they did discover there was an accidental byproduct of Eldia's experiments with the subject of Ymir over the centuries: a bloodline that could partly manifest the strength of a Titan while in human form. The Ackerman clan..."

"... The Ackerman clan was designed to protect Eldia's King—traces of that instinct still remain, so when Ackermans sense the presence of a certain host, traits that are inherent in their blood will activate."

"Huh?"

"In other words, you only cling to me... because of your instincts as an Ackerman."

Eren quietly observed her calm persona.

Eren then, continued, "in that moment, when you were facing death, you obeyed my order—to fight—all of those conditions were meant to awaken the instincts hidden in your Ackerman blood..."

"...not only did this heighten your physical abilities to an extreme, you gained the battle experiences of all past Ackermans—by a way of a path. All because your blood mistakenly thought I was the host you had to protect."

"That can't be," Mikasa's eyes met Eren, and he saw fright.

Eren hesitated a little, "it can't? Why not?"

Mikasa gritted her teeth, "it was not a mistake."

"It's because it was you... because of you, Eren," a teardrop slid down Mikasa's cheek, "I was able to become strong, it was all because of you."

Eren glumly retorted, "according to the research, once an Ackerman awakens, they often suffer from sudden headaches. They say this happens out of the true self trying to resist being forced to protect the host... sounds familiar?" 

"...no," Mikasa whimpered, trying to not stammer.

"What I'm saying," Eren's voice became emphatic, "is that the real Mikasa disappeared in that mountain cabin, at nine years old; leaving only you behind, ever faithful to your Ackerman instincts."

"No... I—"

"A clan created to follow orders at the cost of losing their true selves... in other words, slaves."

"Stop it, Eren!" Armin tried to intervene the relentless bashing of Mikasa's actions, but it was to no avail.

"Do you know what I hate most in this world? Anyone who isn't free. They're not better than livestock."

"EREN!" Armin yelled, _what is he doing?! He's going to break her!_

"Just looking at her made me so angry. Now I finally understand why, I couldn't stand to look at a slave who always followed orders without question..."

 _I... why?_ Mikasa's head hung low, she was shocked in disbelief. Everything she did for him, it was because she loved him, she was sure of it, he was her backbone, he was the one who forced her to keep going. She fought because of him, and now, for _him_ to tell her that it was all a lie, it was an instinct.

"...ever since I was a little kid, Mikasa..."

With all her might, she faced Eren, her body shaking.

"...I've always hated you."

Mikasa let out a muffled sob, and her visions became clouded with tears. Armin could not take it anymore, he jumped onto the table and balled his right hand into a fist.

"EREN! HOW DARE YOU?!"

Armin was ready, he wanted to feel the contact of Eren's face against his fist. However, Eren just smirked. As Armin's knuckles were inches away from Eren's face, a force pulled him back and he slammed into the table. Blinding pain seared his back as he turned to face the attacker, Armin had expected it to be Eren's guard but it was none other than Mikasa.

"Mikasa?!" Armin choked out.

"See?" Eren scoffed, "all you've ever done in your life was dictated by your Ackerman blood."

Mikasa stared at her hands in bewilderment, "n..no."

"It's all you are."

A teardrop rivered down her cheek as Mikasa stood there, paralyzed. Her world spun, everything—was a lie?

At the sight of his friend being abused, Armin regained his strength and used the momentum of the table to pounce onto Eren with a fist to his face. It was with such force that the table flipped and Eren flew into the wall. Armin's knuckles were red, but Eren's nose was also broken, a dark spot blossoming onto his face.

The guards quickly opened the door, "mister Yeager!"

"It's fine," Eren's voice was a little hoarse, steam emitting from his face, only his nose was bleeding now

He got up and walked over to Armin, who was using a cabinet to pull himself up.

"So... Armin, we've never fought before, have we?"

"Damn..." Armin arched back his elbow and threw another punch at Eren.

Before the fist could impact Eren's face, Armin was sent back by his best-friend's own fist with a loud _crack!_

"Know why that is?" Eren growled, as his fist struck Armin in the jaw.

And he threw another punch.

And another.

"Because it could never be a fair fight!"

With a swift knee to the gut, Armin let out a muffled cry and fell onto the floor on the brink of unconsciousness.

"Just... stop," Mikasa pleaded, both of her eyes now rivered down tears.

"Like I said at the start. If you told me where Zeke is... there'd be no need for us to fight. So just come with us," Eren turned to face his guards, "take them away."

The guards followed his orders with a quick _yes sir,_ and advanced on Armin and Mikasa.

"And the brat who killed Sasha too," Eren's gaze on Gabi sent a shiver down her spine.

"So...? What is it that you even wanted to say?" Armin stammered, being helped up by Mikasa, "is this the freedom you wanted? The freedom to _hurt Mikasa?_ "

Eren's eyes glowed dangerously, the mirage of the young, determined Eren faded, and now laid a more visceral warlord.

"...tell me. You're a slave, too... and your master's a worthless bastard."

The sound of Eren's teeth grinding can be heard, "who are you... calling a slave?"

Eren turned away, "let's go."

"W-where?"

"Where it all started, Shiganshina District."

 _-_ **_end of flashback_ ** _-_

To this day, the memories of that conversation still haunted her.

Mikasa let out another sigh, she pulled a hood over her head and exited the Palace. She cannot be seen, as she told Armin to notify everyone of her disappearance. She did not need the reminders of her ex-friend; and it does not help that the people remembered her as his lover, no matter if she had hope for it to be true. 

She walked along the streets and quickly entered a small cafe: Jean’s Breweries

Water began to pour, brought by the storm; nostalgia too. When she was a kid, a storm like this had clouded over the Yeager's household. Eren and her had cuddled together to keep each other calm. That was the day she fell hard for him.

Eren was dead to her, he died ever since he called her a slave. But deep down, Mikasa knew, she knew that he was still alive. The real Eren was still alive, thriving in her head, in that endless summer afternoon.

**2\. A HEAVY HEART**

A tall, lean man stood on the peak of a mountain, the glaze of ice slowly melted beneath his feet. The autumn chill swept his hair, numbing his forehead. The emerald eyes that once bore ferocity were now consumed by longing stares. Eren ran his hand through his hair, finally cutting it’s length. He stared down at the barren ground behind him, the Titans were almost finalized with the rumbling. Mountains were rid of trees, grasses died, ecosystems collapsed.

However, some organisms survived; just like in his vision, the ecosystem will return to its equilibrium within a few years. Inheriting the powers of the Attack Titan has its perks.

_Eren._

A ghastly voice made Eren's ears perked up.

"Ymir?" The man mumbled, looking rather startled—the Founder had never spoken to him before.

_It's over, Eren._

True to her words, loud rumbles of the Titans had come to a silent halt, the behemoth figures of the destructors leaked gas, steam pouring from their bodies. The skins and muscles melted away, leaving plethora piles of skeletons on the ground.

_What is your next step?_

"I... I don't—know"

Eren gazed at his environment, _what is your next step?_ He was sure that he would not have survived once the rumbling ended. The world felt more spacious now.

"I don't know..."

He could feel the small smile of Ymir.

_Perhaps, with a few years left... would you like the luxury of wandering the Earth? Rebirth once more._

_A few years..._ Eren had forgotten about the curse of Ymir. The shifters who inherited the power of the nine Titans had only 13 years to live, approximately the time between Ymir gaining the Titan powers and the time she died.

_Or you could overcome the curse? Become immortal, in this plain of mortals._

"How?"

_If you gained the powers of the nine Titans._

_I can’t do that to Armin…_ He would have to eat Armin.

"I... I can't. I can't do that to Armin," Eren glared at the sky.

_It's your choice, after all, you have all eight; the Armour, the Jaw, the Beast, the Cart, the Attack, the Warhammer, the Female, the Founding; you just need one more._

"And... actually, I don't have the Female Titan. She died before I could eat her."

Ymir went quiet for a minute.

_Then perhaps, you should seek closure._

"...closure?"

_Going back to Paradis, finding your home._

Eren seemed to contemplate for a moment.

_Seeking your happiness—it's your true freedom._

"But how would I do that?"

_You've always wanted happiness and freedom for your friends, but do you realize that you have also hurt them?_

Eren gaped at the horizon, shifting discontentedly.

_Maybe you should apologize._

"Do they even want to see me?"

_Eren, it's been one year ever since you defeated them on the skeletal form of the Founding Titan. The rest refuge back to Paradis, you'd be surprised how vast their ecological system has improved. Trust me, even if it seemed that they hate you, they'd want to see you._

Eren’s heart leaped a little, the thought of seeing his friends had given him a little joy.

"...how do I start?"

_Maybe start off with the girl, Mikasa... you knew she loves you right?_

"I… I know," he buried his face into his hands, “god, I’m such an asshole.”

_I can feel how much emotional turmoil it brought you. I know you didn't want to push her away, but it seemed like it was necessary._

"I..."

A light weight of hand seemed to appear on his shoulder, but when Eren turned to look, there was nothing.

_You already cut your hair, already disguising yourself. Perhaps you are destined to do this._

Eren squinted his eyebrows and started to envision a plain beneath his eyelids. Usually, a plain of light would appear and a shining pillar of memories would flood before him—but this time, he only saw black.

"Ymir..." Eren growled, "why are you preventing me—"

_Go with the flow, do whatever. Your future is up to you now; my job here is done. The time for the Titans has to come to an end; you are the last generation who will be able to use the power of the Titans. It is my will._

_As like you said, I set up this path for you, and it has been fulfilled. Have you ever wondered why you can look at your past self with ease and liberty but you can only access some visions of the future?_

_Because Eren, you can never predict the future. Your future is up to you, it is ever-changing._

Swiftly, Eren transformed into his Titan form; it looks the same, except with little plates of armor between slits of his muscled body. It looks underwhelming and it is the encapsulation of the strength for seven Titans withal. He slid down the sierra to the harsh ground and started his journey back to Paradis.

_Good luck, Eren. You have done well._

**_~_ **

Winter came, and stayed. The smell of pinecone greeted Eren as he exited a small cottage, holding up a small cup of hot coffee. Despite how bitter coffee tasted, his tongue had missed the sensation of it burning and waking, it made him feel alive. He took quick steps down the stairs, bleak, crisp wood squeaking beneath his weight. The streets of Stohess were more lively than he thought, children yelled and ran, nonplussed with such weather as white rained down underneath the rising Sun. It was the time of the year to be dilatory; enjoying the company of oneself, or with such companions. He let out an annoyed huff and quickly joined the clamor of townsfolk.

Policemen rubbed the heads of children, laughing with them. Eren was taken aback by such acts of complacency in spite of how policemen were such martinets in the past. A sense of gratification swelled in Eren's chest, _people are at peace._

"Hey, E!" A girl waved her hand, beckoning for him to come over at the other side of the street.

With 'E' as his alias, Eren crossed the street to an ice cream parlor, the giddy girl blushed slightly within his presence.

"Good morning Diane."

Diane giggled and slapped Eren's chest, "it's almost noon! Wanna go grab lunch?"

"Yup," Eren answered, popping the 'p'.

Before he knew it, he was being dragged by a flurry of silver to wherever. Contrary to what others would have thought, he quite enjoyed Diane’s company, opposed to how she is the antithesis of his personality.

When he reached Stohess on a horse, Eren was practically on the verge of collapsing from exhaustion until Diane found him. Coincidentally, she lived alone and decided to take him in. When he first woke, he was very callous and cautious until he learned of her past. Diane was from a rich descendant and she lived alone, running from her home to pursue her dreams instead of becoming a stoic robot who slaves for money.

Fortunately, she took some money with her. Well... some would be an understatement—the girl is a millionaire. 

"A penny for your thoughts?"

"More like a thousand," Eren snorted.

Diane giggled.

After they sat and ordered their brunch, Eren explained "well, I... I need to go to the Palace.”

The silver-haired raised her eyebrows, her couture jacket shedding flakes of snow, "huh? For what reasons?"

"I need to visit an old friend."

"Who?"

Eren let out a quiet sigh, "just a friend."

"Can... can I tag along?" Diane's blue eyes bulged, Eren shook his head.

"I—"

"I'll pay for the transportations! And everything!"

Diane noticed that her exclamations may be a bit too sudden, as she shortly apologized after.

"I-I'm sorry, I'm just... I've been pretty lonely and I've been longing for some compan—"

"Sure," Eren replied casually.

Diane seemed to notice his unusual behavior; Eren was more amenable than usual.

"When do we leave?"

 _This will be easier than I thought,_ Eren grinned to himself.

"How about now?"

Eren got up from his seat adamantly when the bill was paid, his hand reached out to Diane.

"Ready?"

"I'm ready!—"

**…**

"—I'm so tired!" Diane exclaimed at the back of the carriage.

The galloping of the horses’ hooves drilled in Eren’s ears as he stared blankly out the netted-window of the carriage. His mind is lost in an elegy. _Such a gullible girl,_ Eren allowed his gaze to land on Diane’s sleeping figure for a moment until he snapped back to the wonderland of snow that laid around them.

His eyes glimmered with wonder, the world looked like that of the paradigm shown in Armin's book long, long ago. Trees rife with snow, hares hopped around, the smell of warm pinecones perfumed the air, tickling Eren's nostrils. The zephyr had made him long for the feeling of warmth and comfort. Something he had ran from while he was younger, and something he terribly missed now.

_Mikasa..._

Eren had an extreme dilemma, tearing him internally apart.

He couldn't wait to see her, to feel her. Although deep down, he knew there was a strong possibility of her antipathy towards him. After all, he broke her heart whether it was for her own good or his. He broke her heart with his words, killing his image, killing the boy she loved so much. And it hurted her, he could tell. Her movements became more stoic, her speeches became even more banal. Moreover, he wanted to comfort her, to tell her that it was all a lie.

But he could not. The chance of his emotions hindering his progress was more important than her feelings. _But was it really?_ Were his goals, and the liberation of Eldians, more important than the comfort of his best friend? Or… lovers? After all, they reciprocated each other’s feelings. It was a taboo subject, falling for one's best friend, and adopted sister at that, and he thought that there were no chances of her requiting his feelings. Alas, he was wrong.

Maybe his facade was built-up by the encouraging words and guilt of the deaths. Not maybe, he knew that the determination and strength that built walls around him were simply fueled by the guilt and anger. 

Maybe if someone comforted him, told him it was okay, helped him tear down his walls, it would have turned out differently.

Maybe his walls were strengthened by the fear of the people, calling him Devil.

Maybe his walls were strengthened by the stigma of his presence. An angry, suicidal freak with a goal in mind.

"Hey 'E'," Diane flicked her finger to his nose, "it'll be fine, okay? Everything will be alright."

Eren jumped in astonishment, letting out a loud cacophony.

"It's just, you have that look on your face," Diane proclaimed.

"Eh?"

"You know, _that look._ Your eyebrows furrowed, and your wrinkles started to appear. I know you're a very secretive person but, I can tell that you are going through a lot," Diane pulled a strand of hair that spiked her cheek, "it'll be fine. I may not know you that well, but I know when a person is going through a hard time."

Eren did not give her any reply, he just stared at her with his mouth open. She read him like a book. Diane giggled, her high-pitched noise sounded like a carol of bells.

"No need to say anything, just rest. You look like you need it."

"I... I can't—"

"Why not? What are you keeping watch for? Monsters? Titans?"

Eren let out a weary laugh—a change from his disposition. In hindsight, he should've known that he would be tired, and he would not be able to cover his emotions due to his conditions, albeit he would rather keep himself reserved.

"Yeah, you're right."

Diane placed his head onto her shoulder, her breath fogging, "come on. Sleep, I'll take watch just in case the scary Titans jump out and getcha!"

Diane made small motions with her hands, mimicking a creature. He managed to croak a small smile before collapsing into the realm of sleep, but not before a sudden revelation enervated him. _How did she know about Titans...?_

**_~_ **

"'E'!" Diane flicked his nose.

Eren let out a groan of annoyance and he instinctually buried his head into her lock of silver hair.

"'E'!, we're here!"

 _We're here!_ Eren's eyes shot open and he quickly regained his composure much to the decry of Diane. The lethargy Eren seemed to dwell in was replaced by a burst of energy. She swung her backpack in front of her and pulled out an amount of cash, in which she handed it to the coachman. Eren gave her a thankful smile;

"You don't have to pa—"

The silver-haired girl smashed her index finger into his face, "it's nothing, shush. Take it as a thank you for being such a nice friend..."

Eren carried her down the carriage and gave her a nod of understanding. 

"It's okay. You're just somehow lucky in finding gold-digging douche-bags."

A light blushed complimented her cheeks, "thanks."

The duo walked into the gates of the Palace, contentment on one's face, while the other kept their face impassive. Eren decided to strike a question that has been on his mind for a while.

"Hey, Diane?"

"What's up?"

"How do you know what Titans ar—"

Diane let out a chuckle, "while you were sleeping, you were mumbling words."

His face reddened with embarrassment.

"Something about Titans eating people? And... Mikasa?" 

Eren seemed physically burdened by that name; he looked like someone punched his gut.

"Mi..Mikasa..." 

Diane's eyes twinkled, by the way he was stuttering on saying her name, this was no ordinary girl or a heroic savior that preserved humanity.

"So, your love interest eh?" Diane elbowed him in a friendly manner but he did not return it, he just stared blankly at the statue before them.

_Eren, Mikasa, Armin: Saviors of Humanity_

The statue stood tall among the small crowd of trees. A sea of concert beneath them, cleaned everyday, a couple benches awkwardly placed, and a large stairwell up to the Palace’s entrance.

"S-she was such an ineffable person... I can't explain it, you must see her for yourself," Eren managed to gasp while he inspected the statue.

A figure of Eren stood tall, his old hair looked windswept, molded in bronze while Mikasa's features were perfect; just the way he wanted when he inducted the constructor to build. And there was Armin, smiling and his eyes as large as ever, even in bronze, it seemed to flicker a spark of hope and genial.

"You know her?" Diane tried to sound calm, but she was flabbergasted, _it was the townsfolk tale that Mikasa had disappeared after Eren gave up his life to save the world._

"I... I will explain, okay?" Eren whispered, "but can you be a little quieter?"

"I..."

Eren stared at his hands glumly, _I should tell her, shouldn't I?_

"Are you crazy? Are you just coming here for some fantasy of yours—"

"She's not a fantasy!" Eren grumbled and he quickly pulled Diane aside, to the back end of the stairwell.

When everything seemed to die down, Eren leaned into Diane's ears and whispered; 

"I.. I am Eren Yeager."

For a minute, Diane was silent, and then she laughed, she let out a _I'm-dying_ laugh. It held such a tone of inventiveness that Eren had to turn around, offended.

"You?" Diane scoffed, "Eren?! Don't make me laugh!"

"Alright, whatever, I'm going to use the restroom," Eren mumbled, "stay put."

Eren walked over to the brick cubicle and disappeared behind the wall. He wandered over to the sink and splashed water on his face. _What were you thinking!? Idiot, idiot, idiot—_ why did he do that? Why did he reveal himself, not that she would have believed him anyway. Eren wondered, was this the prerogative for those individuals whose memories remained? Full pictures of the past where the majority only remembered fragments. It must have driven them crazy; for one, it drives Eren crazy. 

He splashed his face once more, ridding his mind of such illicit thoughts. His mental state was not holding up well.

Eren stared at his reflection in the mirror, a wave of nauseating pulses echoed off his brain. He clutched his head, the pain became ubiquitous.

_Eren!_

Eren's eyes widened, the source of the voice was from his head but it was not Ymir, the pitch was higher.

_Help! Somebody!_

Diane...?

_Anybody!_

**_~_ **

Two men held Diane in such acrimony that she wanted to scream but she forced herself to remain quiet, she would not give in. Her jacket was ripped from her arms, the gold laced zipper glittered in the air as a thug waved it around.

"Look here boys," one of them growled, "Oscar de La Renta? Shit! It must be like a few hundred dollars!"

"TWO THOUSAND!" Diane accidentally bursted, but she quickly slammed her mouth shut after the thief's eyes gleamed and his smile grew wider.

Diane cursed herself silently, her affinity for materialistic worth has to end.

"P-please, let me go," a tear rolled down her cheek, "I'll give you anything you want!"

The thug that held her left side put his mouth near her ear, the warm, crispy breath made her skin crawl.

"But, we want _you_. We want to hear you scream!"

Diane visibly paled.

"Isn't it great? It's December."

Her body shook as another thug trailed her body with his gloved finger.

"What a time to rejoice with one's family! Fortunately, they're all dilly dallying at home, and it's just us here. So you can scream, and no one will hear you and no one will see you."

"P-pleas—"

Her muffled cries of protest were covered by hands as they violently punched her gut, winding her. _Eren!_ Diane does not want to die, _help!_ She shook her head, _somebody!_ Eren had not exited the restroom yet. _Anybody!_ The only remedy Diane seemed to find was staring at the blue expanse as her breathing started to fasten. 

_Is this it?_ A rough force tried to yank her jogging pants, her eyes started to tear-up. She needed an artifice to distract them—but the moment seemed to be gone. Diane's mind started to surrender and succumb to the pain. Her body debilitated to a point of appeasement, _please... Someone._ She hated how easily it was to make her docile. 

As of a sudden, she was lifted into the air and the grip that was holding onto her slackened. Promptly, her eyes bulged as Diane felt her body fought against the wind while the acceleration of free fall blew into her face.

She closed her eyes and she landed on her face, flat.

Diane internally winced as her vision became blurry and clouded with purple outlines appearing and disappearing. She took a few seconds to catch her breath.

Her once too many tears dried.

Her breathing returned to normal.

However, what laid before her was such an erratic scene she seemed to reject it—doubt arose from her chest. Once her body returned to normalcy, it was later disrupted by such predicament.

All of her pursuers were struck, a white, spiky pillar pierced each one, from the bottom to the top, with its pearly pinnacle becoming tainted with splatters of crimson. Ghostly pupils stared back at her, their mouths gaped open and their bodies twitched slightly, only for seconds. Diane turned around, the second and third pillar stood behind her, being encircled by deaths and a haze of dust.

Cracks of concrete led back to the origin of alien objects as Diane tracked them until her eyes circled in on a man with one hand, slammed beneath the floor, a white, thick color graduating encapsulating onto his arm. His emerald eyes deflagrated as he looked to be deep in thought.

 _Eren!?_ Diane wanted to say, but it was only in her head. Her mind, engulfed by shock.

Eren snapped out of his daze, evident from his eyes returning to its jaded and calm green and shook his head. He stood up, his hand slipped from the ground seamlessly while the pillars shrunk back into the ground and snaked up his arm, fusing into his skin. 

He stood up, his expression ever so impassive and he flashed her a grin.

Diane took his hand and helped herself up.

"E-Eren?"

Eren chuckled, "hmm? What's up..."

"I-I... what? What's going on? What was th-that?"

Eren sighed, and decided to clear the situation.

"Do you trust me? Diane?"

"I..." Diane shifted uncomfortably, her mind trying to wrap around the bizarre situation before her, "of course."

Eren reached out his hand, but instinctively, Diane lurched back in fear. 

"It's okay, Diane. I will make you understand."

"U-u-understand what?"

"Understand this," Eren gestured towards the bloodied scene, "all of this."

Diane hesitantly nodded, and gave him consent—in which Eren placed the palm of his hand onto her forehead. Diane's world started to spin, his touch alone, gave her chills over hundred degrees.

" _See,_ " Eren whispered ghastly before his eyes glowed a shade of white and Diane's vision turned dark.

**_~_ **

A tall man carried a girl in his arms, she slept restlessly, her eyes squinted and her brows furrowed. The warm breeze grazed the two, the coming of dusk. Eren looked at the horizon, a vacuum of clouds gathered. _A storm is coming._

He had to find shelter fast.

Eren looked at the streets below the steps, bustling crowds seeking refuge. But the crowds soon ended-up as sleepers once his eyes laid on the cafe in front of them.

Jean’s Breweries.

He glowered at the streets in scrutiny, and made up his mind. With a quick _ding!_ of a bell, the storm became entirely benign.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer! I do not own the characters or the past events in this book! I only own the main plot, sub-plot, and some new characters.


	3. An Intersection (Physically and Mentally)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part 1: In the Flesh  
> Mikasa comes up with a bizarre proposal (inducted by Armin), and meet up with Jean as remnants of her Past catches up with her. An old friend visits Armin.
> 
> Part 2: Living and Dying (in the moment)  
> Eren finally finds closure with one person, however, the latter leaves with a startled and shaken-up mind. Mikasa starts to suffer again as she returns home to the penthouse with her friends.

**1\. IN THE FLESH**

“Where did you get these?” Mikasa’s pale finger traced the canvas, capturing colors in different shades of lush, dried with the touch of a magician.

The objects Mikasa were inspecting looked like a mirror to the outside world. Frames of landscapes, trees dancing in the light, mountains taller than Titans, water murky as her eyes—how much would she give to experience that all over again.

“Oh?” A boy walked from behind a bar, “you mean these photographs?”

 _Right, they are called photographs._ Mikasa curstily nodded, her eyes glued to the reflection of wonderland.

“It’s been ages since we’ve wandered outside, I managed to find these in the Palace’s storage area. And Armin, being Armin, insisted that I take ‘em all, seeing how marvelled I was by them.”

Mikasa turned to face Jean, “they’re beautiful.”

Jean stood still, his body as stiff as ever. His heart practically screamed, sirened with happiness, when Mikasa’s eyes glowed. _Oh, how much would I give to see her like this more often._ Ever since Eren had wiped out humanity that laid outside the walls, he hadn’t shown up—it was as if he disappeared into thin air. Of course, it affected Jean, but not as much as it had affected Mikasa. He, _everyone,_ knew how co-dependent Eren and Mikasa are, no... _were._

“How are you holding up?”

“Fine.”

“Want a drink?”

“It’s alright.”

“O-oh. Okay,” Jean mumbled, seemingly a little taken aback by her lack of interest.

He was used to Mikasa’s amorphous conversations. He was used to it.

“I—I came here to talk.”

Jean’s eyebrows pitched, the irony in the situation was so strong that he knew it would give Annie a hard beating.

“Oh? Not to hide from the storm?” 

Despite trying not to look desperate, his mouth betrayed him by curling upwards into a small smile.

“Well that too, but I wanted to talk…”

“Of course,” Jean nodded, consenting to continue.

He was met with a stunning silence.

“Er… so what do you want to talk about?”

Mikasa caught onto his annoyance, “not here.”

Jean’s eyes sparkled, “then, shall we?”

Mikasa let out a small huff and followed Jean’s gesture to the back of the bar. Unknowingly, her eyes travelled to a stained glass wall. The outside commotion blurred the streets but a tall man with a girl in his arms had caught her vision. He was wearing a white cotton shirt with a plaid, fur coat over his shoulders. The girl was unconscious, her pink puffer jacket glittered at the reflection of the dying Sun. 

Mikasa shook her head, _it’s just a couple, why am I staring._ But her mind went back into the scene again, unknowingly, her eyes slipped and she found herself staring at an empty space. There was something peculiar about the man, but she could not put her fingers on it.

“Who?” She let out a quiet murmur.

Mikasa quickly snapped her head back to Jean’s back as he led her upstairs into the break room. Suddenly, her neck felt like it was peeling off. Her hands clutched her neck, her eyes started to puff. _Scarf._ Scarf? Mikasa wondered, _why is this happening again?_ She had left the scarf behind, aeons ago, and with the help of an apocryphal therapist, she found out that the feeling of exposure was simply just a withdrawal. Perhaps, her attachment to the scarf was a little too unhealthy—but she doesn't care anymore. Well, at least she’d like herself to believe that narrative. Deep down, she knew it wasn’t true but her pride wouldn’t allow her to acknowledge it.

“Mikasa?” Jean placed his finger onto her shoulder, a jolt of electricity raced up his body, “are you okay?”

“Yes,” Mikasa managed to whimper before her mouth shut and her neck started to itch, “just… It’s just—”

“The scarf right?”

Mikasa’s widened eyes betrayed her impassive expression.

“It’s okay, I know it’s hard.”

“You don’t understand,” Mikasa weakly said, “it’s been months, maybe a year, or years. I don’t know, but I know it’s long enough for me to forget. It shouldn’t be this big of a deal!”

Jean eyed her with sympathy.

“ _I just can’t live without him._ ”

He knew that her words were meant to be a whisper, but he heard it and it shattered his heart even more. Jean had an idea that he had no chance with her, but with the events that had transpired between Mikasa and Eren, he couldn’t help but ignite his hopes.

“Do you want another one? I can give you mine—”

“No!” Mikasa promptly yelled, followed by a loud clap of her hands onto her mouth.

Jean looks taken aback by the sudden outburst.

“I… I’m sorry, I don’t know what’s going on with me. I was fine awhile ago, but no thank you, I don’t need another scarf.”

“I… okay,” Jean shuffled, discontentment evident in his every step, “so what do you want to talk about?”

“Oh yeah…”

A quiet silence passed between them.

“I want to go out, explore—”

Ding! The familiar ring of the bell interrupted Mikasa’s sentence. Jean hastily turned around and yelled down;

“Tim?! Can you go serve this one? I’m busy right now!”

An indignant reply gave Jean all the confirmation he needed as he turned to face the Asian girl. Her words slammed into him like a truck, albeit it took him a while to register.

“You want to WHAT!”

**_~_ **

“How about you try the newest tea! ‘Specially instructed to be brewed by the great captain Levi!”

A silver-haired boy boasted with pride, his unruly hair glistened in the damp cafe. But it was not an alien sight, seeing Eren’s silver-haired companion unconscious on the sofa; she looked lost in the land of memories. Hopefully, the trick Eren pulled would resolve the confusion Diane holds and she would not need to learn about the arcane history of Paradis.

“C-captain Levi?” 

“Yes! Would you like to try?”

 _So, Levi is still alive huh?_ Eren scratched his chin, his hands absently ran along his hair. Much to his dismay, the satisfaction of his long hair was now gone, replaced by a short-cut. Despite the foreign feeling, Eren quite enjoyed his current look. From a homeless person to a player.

“Yes please.”

“And for her?”

“Oh!” Eren’s exclamation came out rather brusque, clear-cut from the waiter’s reaction.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to be so loud. She would like a…”

The shifter’s cerebrum ransacked through all the times he had spent with Diane, _what exactly does she like to drink? Forget it,_ rather than going for something cordial, Eren decided to go with something a little more logical.

“Er, a cup of hot coffee is fine.”

 _She’ll probably need it to clear her mind once she awakes._ Eren’s eyes shifted to a wall of colored squares—each depicting a scenery. A stair led upwards laid behind a wooden corner, looking rather dubious.

He was right.

“Wow…” Diane grumbled, her weary eyes had no shine of alacrity.

With a quick gulp, the black liquid slid down her throat, emptying the ceramic cup in her hand. Diane’s nose scrunched in repugnance before she coughed, her headache dissipated but her conscious still throbbed with the overload of information that was relayed to her by a single touch.

“Thanks for the coffee.”

Eren bit his lips, his emerald pupils pierced her’s with intense gaze; it was as if she was an anomaly of some kind. Diane shifted awkwardly.

“What!?”

His expression remained intrepid. However, his eyes sparkled a little as he snapped out of his daze.

“Huh?”

“What? Why do you keep eyeing me like that?” 

A blush of embarrassment rose onto his cheeks, “I… well, I expected you to be more… how do I say this? Brash? Surprised?”

Diane’s hands gripped her hips fiercely, “don’t worry, I am. But, I am still trying to comprehend…”

Abruptly, her soft hands seized Eren’s. 

“Eh?” Eren tried to pull back impulsively but Diane’s grip was stronger.

“I am proud of you,” her eyes glistened, “when you touched my forehead. It was like a rush of memories that crashed into me. I feel what you felt; the grief, the despair, the love, the guilt, it consumed me and drowned me—but most importantly, I couldn’t help but wonder…”

Her mesmerizing pupils mirrored his.

“... how did you do it? How did you survive?”

Eren’s eyebrows pitched, his gaze lowered. The change of topic was sudden and abrupt, but it was not unwelcomed. But it does not mean the notion had made him utterly uncomfortable. How _did_ he survive? All the guilt, the anger, the fear. Why did he do it? How did he do it? Carla’s death, Hanne’s sacrifice, Hanji’s fate, so much more… all of them, they died because of him. It’s because of him—but, thinking about the past will only hinder his future.

“I just keep on moving forward,” Eren picked up his cup, tea pouring into his mouth, “I can’t let it drag me down. All of this… was made possible because of _me._ And if I could go back, I’d do it again.”

His hands were shaking, tea spilled onto the table. His eyes closed and his lips lined. As of a sudden, Diane’s fingers hooked his, her steady and calm against his stammering and stress.

“That’s very admirable,” Diane commended, “don’t worry, I understand… well, kinda… a little bit I guess? That’s not the point!”

Eren scoffed, “there’s nothing commendable about me, Diane.”

“But there is! It’s praiseworthy how you managed to drive through all of your hardships purely by determination and the safety of your friends and people!” The girl squealed, “that’s so romantic and cool!”

The shifter’s face darkened.

“I-I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to bring them up…”

“It’s okay, I’d have to face them sooner or later. I _want_ to,” Eren stared at the ceiling and gave a desultory smile, “I need to face them. I just need to.”

Diane smiled understandingly, halting herself from bombarding him with questions. The suffering he faced was harsh enough. She knew his reason—his memories were evocative enough but it was his tone had confirmed her suspicion. A lightbulb turned on in her head.

“Armin is in the Palace by the way,” Diane got up from her chair and walked past Eren, patting him on the back, “I hope you find your closure. I’d suggest you go to him first.”

**_~_ **

If he had to guess, Armin would have never, in a million years, dared to call himself a leader of the survey corps, much less the last extent of humanity. Despite being arrogated into leadership by the Yeagerists; blackmailing him by the threat to reveal his identity as a shifter to the public, inducting a possible uproar; because they needed the ‘brains’ to lead the country, he begrudgingly took the role with pride.

He has to stay strong; for the people, for his friends, for himself.

For Mikasa… especially during times like these.

Especially when _he_ had not returned… 

… from destroying the world.

The blonde haired shifter got up from his seat and turned away from the enormous bay window that overlooked the courtyard. The Sun lightly touched the horizon, giving the vast expanse of trees a loving peck, before retiring beneath the Earth. Armin slid the drawers shut and grabbed a pile of reports from the big table.

A large canva was framed on the giant wall, hanging generously slightly above the doorway. It was a picture of them—the old gang hanging out in Marley, all of them drunk; with the exception of Hanji and Levi frowning with disagreement (well only Levi, Hanji was laughing at the peculiar mood)—taken by a considerate refugee. Armin had it painted from a small square of photo when he was placed in power.

Seeing the picture again, it made him reminisce about the old times; the time where all of this, forgive him for a lack of better vocabulary, shit happened. _Yeah, shit is the right word._ The shitstorm that Yeager brought, tearing down lives, but removing himself from the lives of those he cared about. _Goddammit Armin, stop thinking about this shit._

“Eren… please, come back,” Armin pleaded to a ghost.

 _But did he want Eren to come back?_ Unconsciously, his hand gently ran over his cheek where Eren had smashed him to a pulp. It hurted like a son of a bitch. His lips shook, _Eren… where are you?_

He shook his head; of all people, he should know that dwelling on such futile hopes and thoughts will bring nothing but pain. Unbeknownst to Armin, his grip on the reports tightened, letting out a loud _crack!_ He shifted the reports upwards to straighten the paper.

 _Armin! You were supposed to give this to Mikasa! But now, it’s all crumpled up and it would make an embarrassing endowment,_ he chastised himself. Armin’s eyes lasered over the words and the diagrams; according to the reports, the outside was still an expanse of rubbles and hot soil. But, a particular paper stood out.

_Report 17 (28 days)_

_By following the trail on the West, straight from the gate, there is nothing left but red clay and big craters of Titans’ feet. The air is extremely raspy and hot, mimicking the conditions of a desert. Five minutes in and my body feels super dehydrated. With the new techniques and blue-prints from Marley, we have managed to step up a decent-sized camp with a vacant position for possible train routes in the future._

_Dust are everywhere; eye-safety-equipments are recommended_

_IMPORTANT!_ _  
__About 3 hours in, there are signs of life. Vegetation seemed to grow. There are signs of primary succession. Perhaps rain must have drenched the wasteland, presumably due to the many small ponds (prediction: formed by the Titan’s footstep and precipitation)._

_Extreme Weather Conditions!_

_About 3 days in: strong wind, harmful dust, many ‘red’ storms_

_About 13 days in: strong rain, complete opposite to the first few days._ _  
__Heavy precipitation. Hot rain._

_During departure from campground: no sign of weather ever since Day 13 and 14’s heavy rain._

An unknown smile crept onto Armin’s face, his diamond eyes twinkled with glee. Perhaps the new discovery of an oasis would take Mikasa’s mind off of Eren. Perhaps she would smile again. Perhaps—

The double doors to his office swung discreetly.

“Ah, Hitch?” Armin’s eyes had not moved from his paper, “I’m almost done here. Give me a second.”

Armin was used to Hitch’s presence. It was her duty to lock up or check every room of the Palace after dusk, and Armin was usually the only one who would stay up later than normal, cleaning up his office and making sure every dust was off of the surface. The camaraderie of office-work calmed him.

“Now, now, Armin. I’d thought you’d get used to my voice now… then again, it’s been a while.”

If he had not died from a Titan, he was sure the heart-attack he received would have killed him. If not for his luck and knack to survive most near-death situations. 

“Hey, you look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

Armin’s eyes dared not to look up. Instead, he glared at the papers as if he could burn holes through them. That voice… that tone… 

“Er… you there? Ar—?”

His eyes darted up with reckless abandon, _fuck his pride, fuck the mystery._ The papers slid across the room, graciously without grace. Armin’s pupils snapped out immediately, searching for a particular factor from the figure before him. _Could it be—_

“E-Eren?” He managed to choke out before his eyes welled up.

“Here, in the flesh, buddy,” Eren widened his arms with a forced smile.

Armin could see through it. Eren was uneasy. _What the fuck?_ Eren was uneasy? Uneasy of him? A measly useless leader of Paradis? Anger boiled up in Armin, Eren was here, and he expected a _hug?_ He was repulsed by such thought. A war-mongering leader was here, in the flesh, in front of him, and he expected a hug? After all he had done, killed everyone, hurt Mikasa, hurt him!

_Crunch!_

The blonde’s fist bloodied with Eren’s crimson liquid, trails of red snaking down the crevices of his fingers. Eren stumbled back a little but nonetheless, he still stood tall.

“—I,” _ack!_ “I miss you too buddy,” Eren spat out a tiny splatter of blood, which quickly dissolved into steam once it landed on the floor.

The blood from Eren’s nose quickly dissipated into steam as he unconsciously wiped it off. Armin pulled his fist back and stood in a composed, stiff posture; he did not dare to move at all.

“Let’s talk.”

His tone allowed no way negotiations, forcing Armin to yield to his request.

“I—”

 _Let’s talk,_ Armin stopped his sentence, _LET’S TALK?_ Oh, the fucking irony. Once feared, his eyes now bore the circles of curiosity and determination.

“F...fine,” although he could not muster up the courage to stop stuttering, “my-y desk.”

Eren followed Armin as the doors swung shut with a hushed _swish._ In spite of their reunion, Eren seemed to leave quite a generous spacing between them both. Once Armin was seated, Eren opposite to him, the two quickly became enveloped in dead air.

It was Eren who broke the silence first.

“Well, where do I start? We have a lot to catch up on…”

“Really? _Where do I start?_ That’s what you’re gonna—”

“Wait a moment—”

“ _No,_ you wait. How dare you? The audacity for you to waltz into the Palace, speaking of which, where are the guards?” 

“...”

“Whatever, where was I? Ah yes, the audacity of you to just simply walk into the Palace, into my room, and become all comfy and shit? Like… what? How can you just do that, how can you just walk in here with no guilt whatsoever on your face? Do you really mean what you said a while ago? Do you really hate me… Mikasa? Everyone else?”

After his speech, Armin half-expected Eren to—at least— look apologetic.

But no.

Eren just stared at him…

… with that shit-eating grin on his face.

“I guess I have a lot to explain.”

**2\. LIVING AND DYING (IN THE MOMENT)**

“Glad to hear you’re doing well,” Eren gave Armin a sincere smile, a smile Armin had not seen for years.

But he did not know how to react. _How would one exactly react to one’s friend, who had a 180 turn from their previous visage?_

“I—I, yeah… it’s good to see you t-t-too,” Armin stammered, his eyes travelling nervously around the room—a nervous habit that had not gone unnoticed by Eren.

“By the way, how’s…” Eren started, his soft voice held a slight edge to it, _a nervous habit_ , Armin noted, albeit he was caught off guard.

A while ago, Eren was berating her and now, he was nervous mentioning her, as if she was a delicate tapestry that he had shredded. As if he _cared._ Does he care?

The blonde conjured up a simple break-off to the conversation that is being insinuated and gave his friend a downy smile, “she’s doing well.”

“Can I meet her?”

 _Well… shit._ The inevitable had arrived. _Fuck!_ Armin knew Mikasa, he knew of her repression of Eren, and the major, immense effects he had on her mental health. _No,_ he has * . After many years of her torturous breakdowns and denial of her true emotional turmoil, Armin knew he had to find a solution for her. Indeed he did, a report— a discovery of something new, finally, with a little help from Louise. Regardless, the news was about the outside world, something Mikasa had wanted to go, a trait she gained from Eren’s departure from them. In spite of the probability that the outside world might trigger an ‘Eren withdrawal’ from Mikasa, it might, _just might_ , take her mind off of things; but it was a chance that Armin was willing to make.

But now, here he was, Eren, asking to meet her.

_Fuck._

He was caught dead-on between a rock and a hard place.

“Armin? Is she near? Does she live here—”

“NO!” 

Armin’s outburst came out louder than anticipated.

“Sorry,” he smiled sheepishly, his golden hair glistening in the dying Sun, “I just— don’t think it’s a good idea yet.”

Eren’s eyebrows arched, jading colors of green stormed his irises. His mouth formed a thin line.

“She’s… she’s getting better and, I don’t think it’s a good idea for her to meet you yet,” Armin confessed, his eyes pleading Eren’s, “please understand.”

“I…” his eyes held a tinge of ferocity beneath it’s sea of green.

Of course, she did not want to meet him, not after what he said. Eren fought his tears, _give her time. Give her time._

Armin closed his eyes, _please._

Eren’s palms balled into fists. After a moment, his fingers slackened, his eyes went dark, his head hung low. A huff of air bellowed from his mouth.

“I understand,” Eren turned his back onto Armin, “I guess… I’ll see you later.”

_Wait! Don’t go! I want to know—_

_“Why?” Armin hoarsely whispered._

_Eren’s head snapped back, “why what?”_

_“Why…_

_“...why did you do it?”_

_A lone teardrop slid from his eye. His mouth shook, an uncontrollable sob threatening to escape._

_“I was influenced by all the past memories of the shifters,” Eren said._

A loud bang of the doors shook Armin out of his fantasy. _Fuck, fuck fuck fuck. I should’ve said that! Am I really good for nothing? Fucking! Hell!_ He should have said it, he really should have. After all, he was the diplomatic ruler of Paradis. He had one job, if he was not a war-influenced leader, an all-purpose leader, there was one thing he could rely on. Speaking. Armin tried to hold back the cascade of despair that was ready to pour out. 

_“... all you can do is say Let’s Talk.”_

Eren’s words haunted him.

Eren’s silhouette wavered in the halls as Armin stood alone in the vast, empty room.

 _“But now, you can’t even muster up the courage to talk. You really have changed, Armin— for the worst,”_ the ghost of Eren spoke.

Then, the dam broke on Armin’s face.

**_~_ **

“Are you sure?”

“Of course, horse-face,” Pieck nudged Jean’s side as Mikasa and Annie faced him, determination in both of their eyes.

Unlike Annie’s icy gaze, Mikasa’s was more fox-like. 

Jean can not lie but he was a little turned on.

“W-what about Annie?” Jean nudged Pieck back, a feeling of triumphant rose up in his chest.

Annie would say _no_ , of course she would.

“Yes.”

And he was wrong.

“What?!”

“After all, I was the one who suggested the idea to Mikasa.”

Mikasa gave him a smug smile.

_Well, shit._

“What about Armin? I don’t want to go without him and knowing that he’s quite busy, we should postpone—”

“Annie’s going,” Pieck lightly elbowed Jean’s head, “what do you think? You have a horse-face, do you have a horse-brain too?”

“Armin is going,” Annie crossed her arms, daring Jean to argue with her.

“Wait— but-”

“Armin is going,” the blonde ex-shifter reiterated, “and _that’s final._ ”

“Connie?”

“Is that even a question?” Pieck smacked Jean’s face, he swore he’s going to suffer a concussion one day, “of course he’s going. Baldy's never the one to turn away from an adventure.”

“Spot on, Pieck,” the creaking of the door closing emanated from behind the group.

“Speak of the Devil,” Jean muttered unhappily, he was outnumbered.

“Aw, look who’s a ball of sunshine today!” Connie slapped Jean’s back as he took a seat on the couch beside Pieck, trying to slug his arm over her shoulder.

She smoothly lowered her shoulders and peeled Connie’s arm off of her, “sorry, I’m not interested in bald people.”

Pieck slyly smirked.

“Ouch, that’s rich coming from a _cart Titan._ ”

Pieck gave him a glare, “I am not anymore! She willed away our powers!”

Jean flinched a little. Ever since their fight with Ymir and Eren, the shifters’ powers have been silenced despite Eren’s request of them keeping their freedom. Looks like Ymir does not want him to fail. Soon after, the topic of Titan powers became a little uneasy and sore among the group until it was brought to their attention that the curse would not apply to them as well; which was evident from Annie’s presence.

“And I am not bald anymore, yet you keep bringing it up.”

“Whatever, Baldy,” Pieck huffed and turned away.

Connie muttered under his breath, “whatever you say, cart-face.”

“Really, cart-face?” Mikasa let out a snort of amusement while Annie herself could not hold in her laugh for her dear-life.

“Shut up,” Connie hid his face in his hands, muttering strings of curses; his reddened face conveyed the embarrassment he was feeling from his lack-luster comeback.

“—speaking—s—speaking of which,” Annie started in-between laughter, “w–wh—where’s Armin?”

“He should be here soon,” Mikasa started out the tiny stained window from the break-room.

 _What was taking Armin so long?_ Pieck and Annie joined Jean and Mikasa soon after she proposed the idea of travelling to Jean, as she invited the rest of her remaining friends here. Mikasa had hoped that they all would agree to it, after all, traveling was a pretty sentimental thing they did, in spite of that it was usually tied with the notion of bloodshed and war. But finally, they would get to travel together in the ‘hopefully’ serene landscape that awaits them.

 _What if he forgot?_ No, he could not possibly forget. She specifically told him to come to Jean’s before she left the Palace. He should be here soon.

“Well, I wasn’t aware that there’d be a party here.”

She was right.

“Glad that you could join us,” Annie stood up and greeted a certain President with a kiss to his cheek, to which he blushed lightly and his eyes widened shyly.

“O-of course,” Armin stuttered, he had not grown out of his shyness from his youth, “I—”

“Just shut up and sit down,” Jean grumbled.

“Why were you so late anyway,” Pieck eyed Armin curiously, he was never the one to be late, “usually, I’d expect something like this from Connie.”

“Hey! Watch your mou— _umph!_ ”

Connie’s mouth was silenced by Pieck shoving her hand into his face. A loud _thump!_ gratified Pieck’s annoyance. Jean winced at the sight, _damn. Why was he surrounded by tough women again? Not that he would mind being dominated by—_

“You are thinking lewd thoughts aren’t you?”

It took him a bit to realize that the comment was directed at him. Jean’s face reddened, his eyes widened like a deer in car-lights. _Caught._

“Back to the topic at hand…” the blushing male tried to alter the subject, “why were you late?”

“Er… an unexpected visitor came to see me,” Armin answered as smoothly as possible but his ambivalence had not gone unnoticed by them.

“...who exactly?” Annie slung her shoulder over Armin, her actions held a slight threat to it.

 _Scratch that,_ Armin was sure he peed his pants.

Annie was ( _is_ ) infamous for her demanding and frosty demeanor and it did not help that Armin was trying his best to put on a mask to lie, to _lie to them._

“E-E—Er-”

He stopped himself, a quick idea sputtered in his mind. _Fuck!_

“Elaine!...”

“... an old family friend. He knew my grandpa,” Armin finished off his abrupt lie solemnly, hoping that his friends sold it.

 _Could it possibly be…_ No, Mikasa shook her head and angrily, mentally scolding herself. Why would she be thinking about him again, again. Her mind became trapped in a relentless loop that eventually circled back to _him,_ despite her various methods of scattering her train of thoughts. But in the back of her mind, there was still hope, even though the spark seemed to be insignificant, it could very well induct a butterfly effect and she would find herself in that loop of depression again. 

_Wait…_ if it was who she thought it was, then Armin lied to them. But Armin would not lie to them… would he?

With an outburst like that, Mikasa knew Armin was lying, or he was hiding something from them. Usually, his answers were confident, or if he were to be unsure, they would come out with a slight tone of fright, not an abrupt shout. In fact, she was sure she never heard Armin shout before.

However, the biggest indicator would be Armin’s nervous habit.

Mikasa eyed him curiously, making a mental note to probe Armin about the foreign visitor later.

Armin’s left hand was playing with the hem of his shirt.

Once again, Mikasa was right.

**_~_ **

He knew he could always count on her.

 _Diane,_ he meant.

“So… how did it go?”

Eren scratched the back of his neck with his hand and smiled sheepishly, dismissing his built-up impassiveness. 

“It went… well?”

Despite how many times she tried to fight the smile, it crept onto her lips anyway. The discrepancy between Eren’s stoic apathy and his newer responsive, reasonable complexion had caught her off guard. Even with such small movements, it conveyed so much emotion for someone who was a rock, it made Diane a little apprehensive but content nonetheless.

“That’s good to hear,” the silver haired girl grinned, “wanna go grab some dinner?”

Eren gave her a small nod and stared off into the distance.

“There’s a nice restaurant to the right, we can take the tunnel down,” Diane gripped Eren’s arm and pulled him to the side of the Palace, “take the left down. We won’t need to go outside and get wet.”

As if on cue, lightning struck in the distance, complementing the bang of each rain bulleting down. The hue of the purple sky slowly contorted to a darker glow. 

However, Eren’s dilemmatic face was not masked against the orange tint from the Sun.

**_~_ **

“Goodnight Mikasa,” Annie bid her a quiet night before her focus shifted back to a fridge.

A chorus of _goodnight Mikasa!_ carolled from the rest of the group in their kitchen. 

Jean’s eyes twinkled with comfort as he took a sip from a beverage can with Hitch laughing about something she told Jean, having no qualms about the people around her at the moment. Next to the two, Armin sat on the spinning chair of the kitchen counter, his legs hanging and shaking with content while staring at Annie. Then there was Pieck, washing her hands and quickly went back to tossing up a salad with an annoyed Connie decrying her for making him a salad when he requested for a rib-eye steak with mashed potatoes. 

Mikasa gave the group a weak smile before hastily shuffling up the cold stairs. She loved her friends, she really did, but their chemistry went so well together that it makes her so lonely.

The penthouse they lived in was in no way confined and small, it was rather large. It laid in the privileged part of Paradis, secretly hidden within the many premises and bewildering works of architecture. The large communication tower of Stohess became especially visible at night despite the distance between the Royal Capital and Stohess, rainbows beaming at the blackness.

Their pyrrhic victory against the world had improved the society of Paradis by ten fold, many survivors of the Rumbling had sought the island for refuge and brought in plethora of ideas from the outside world— from the cultures, to languages, to constructions, to mathematics.

 _Mise en Scene_ was the name Armin gave to their penthouse.

It means the arrangement of scenery and stage properties in a play, presumably alluding to their roles in history— quite clever; Mikasa loved the name.

With a quiet _click!,_ the wall of separation finally rose as Mikasa slid against the hard wood door, her head burying into her hands. Her headache had gotten worse as of sudden; _was it because of her ‘Ackerman’ instincts?_ No, that was bullshit. It has to be, everything she did, she knew she was in control.

The muffled cries of playful exchanges reprimanded Mikasa, _why?! Would she be able to change him?_

A quiet scream bellowed from her throat and she pushed herself from the floor, _what the fuck is wrong with me?_

Why now? Why was she thinking about him now?

Two gentle knocks called for Mikasa.

“It’s unlocked,” she faintly called.

_Click!_

“Mikasa?” A whirl of blonde hair peaked from the door, “what’s wrong?”

A grunt was all Armin got as a reply. He looked downcasted. 

“Er… here.”

A small, black rectangular object landed on her bed.

“You left it on the table,” Armin meekly smiled, “have a goodnight sleep. You look like you need one.”

“You too.”

 _Click!_ Mikasa secured the wall that separated her from them with a second _click!,_ effectively locking herself.

The kitchen was relatively large, with two kitchen islands and four double-door fridges, a drawer-microwave, three ovens, a toaster, multiple silverware with unnecessary sizes (an etiquette she hated), colorful _fine-China_ plates, and a walk-in food storage. Across the kitchen laid the living room, black carpets and clean, gray walls with minimal white strips to add a variety of eye-pleasers to the room.

Their whole house screamed monotone.

The giant flat-screen television allowed them multiple services for walking pictures, or what they called movies. A large feathered couch, and a gold-trim coffee table sat on the stone floor.

Separating the two rooms was a staircase built into the wall which led up to the multiple rooms made for each person with cushion lining-walls. Well, since most of them are content with each other, there were six rooms but Armin slept with Annie, so that leaves one room empty which was modified into a study.

Within the study was an overabundance of miscellaneous and materials from the outside world— _well, all the stuff they could scavenged anyway._ And Paradis-made technology.

Books, documents, bibliographies of important figures, historical texts. Everything Armin could imagine, it laid behind the doors to that room, however replicas are being made to supply the multiple showcases they were built per city. Museums are what they were called.

Each room contained a walk-in closet with a queen-size bed, personal bathroom and marbled floors.

There was also a botanical room and a greenhouse on top of the complex with gardeners, and a maid-quarter.

Safe to say, they were living in a self-sufficient place; it made it seem like an abuse of Armin’s power but, nobody can object to the President, can they?

In spite of their comfortable life-style, Mikasa had never felt so empty.

Jean had decided to establish a restaurant that centers around serving drinks and desserts: a bakery or cafe.

Connie joined Jean.

Pieck freelanced around the cities, hopping from one to another, and made sure that the life-style of the people were comfortable. Evidently, she was rarely ever home.

Annie travelled around Paradis, enforcing the laws, and usually occupying Armin to his visits— ever so often she would leave with Pieck.

Armin was busy with being the President (and all).

And Mikasa? All she could do was lay around and visit her friends. Any occupation she tried, it was just not for me. Her sadness was undeterred by Armin saying that she did a lot already for the war, she did not need to do more; of course, it did not make her feel better. She felt useless. _So useless._

_Buzz._

Her phone lit up with a notification, pulling her out of her thoughts. Mikasa cast an irritated and thankful glance at the phone before heading into her bathroom, freshening up before bed.

_Buzz._

White foams smeared her face as she washed her toothbrush.

_Buzz._

Mikasa placed a gel mask over her face.

_Buzz._

She lit a candle and opened the small window, pulling down a metal grate to filter out the bathroom air. A nightgown pulled over her head.

_Buzz._

She calmly closed the bathroom door.

_Buzz!_

The lights flickered off and Mikasa slid into bed.

_Buzz!_

“What!” She exhaustly spoke to her phone before turning it on.

_7 new messages from Louise._

_Hey! Have you seen the reports on Armin’s desk!_

_I was on the expedition and I was so excited when I found the oasis with leaves and stuff!_

_Did Armin tell you yet?_

_I kinda maybe suggested him to do it, I think we will have a lot of fun together!_

_Er, you are probably asleep._

_Yeah, sweet dreams._

_Looking forward to seeing you soon!_

“ _Looking forward to seeing you soon!_ ” Mikasa’s eyes perked up, _soon?_ Is she coming over? Eh, it’s probably nothing. Not that she hated Louise but she found the girl to be a little irritating as she was so adamantly protective, and possessive over Mikasa.

 _Oh haha, sorry I was in the bathroom._ Mikasa pressed send.

With seconds, a bubble of text appeared before she could turn off the device.

_Yeah! I can’t wait to see you and go outside together!_

That’s right! She was going to go outside, why was she so depressed. A smile forced its way onto her face as now she tossed and turned a little, overjoyed with the sentiment of going outside, before laying down her phone on the bedside table.

It seemed that she finally pulled herself out of her sea of thoughts, almost drowning in them again.

She was excited to say the least— finally, she would be able to go outside again! To live out her dream. _His dream. Our dream._ A twinge of hurt flashed in her eyes as Mikasa quickly held up the walls around her heart. _Why am I thinking about this all of sudden?_ She’s going to go beyond the invisible walls, she’s going to explore!

Crickets whistled, rejoicing together with such energy, reflecting the lively environment beneath the light of the Moon. Mikasa stared out the window, at the sky, her smile conveying an emotion of contentment which masked the waves of insurmountable damage, and she watched as the Moon slowly rotated— waiting for it to kiss the horizon; allowing the Sun to pursue its position, going in a rotation without disturbance. At that moment, Mikasa pondered, would the Sun and the Moon ever slow down? _No_ , time will disappear, incinerated by the circling of the stars. Time will not wait, especially for her, and her silly emotions.

Tears brimmed at the edges of her eyes. She closed them, in a rush to slosh away the water. Crying was a moment of weakness— she was strong, she would never cry. 

In a dark space beneath her pupils, there was light. And what stood in the ray of light was a girl swaying in the dark, happily enjoying the presence of a partner; someone to rely on.

But in actuality, Mikasa saw no one else, only the girl— swaying alone— smiling to herself.

A smile pulled on her cheeks as a tear rolled down. She felt an ephemeral feeling of strength blossoming in her.

_Ephemeral: lasting for a short duration_

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer! I do not own the characters or the past events in this book! I only own the main plot, sub-plot, and some new characters.


End file.
